Why did Cheetos build a hideous statue in Alberta?

We often debate which statutes should fall.

Maybe it’s time to talk about who should never ride. I draw your attention to « The Hand of Cheetle Statue », which, as far as I know, is the first monument in the world dedicated to snack dust.

As PepsiCo Foods Canada marketers explained in a statement, « It’s true, Canada, there’s an official term — and now a statue — for the powdery residue left over after eating your favorite Cheetos snacks. … »

Why either is needed remains a mystery.

Chettle? I don’t see this brand neologism seeping into the popular lexicon. Try using it in a sentence: « Man, watch out, you’re getting cheetle on my bong. Man, Jungian synchronicity is an acausal connecting principle in the material world that ultimately binds our ethereal minds with cheetah.”

Didn’t we already have a word for when your fingers get dirty after eating empty calories from a foil laminated food bag? It’s not cheetah, you disgusting bastard. You are dirty. You’ve just wolfed down 173 Cheetos Crunchies and your hands look like they’re soaked in potassium dichromate.

Don’t rub your eyes or that glass of milk will look like Fanta.

It’s one thing to invent a new word. Watching the Jays epic fall apart on Saturday, a new word came out of my mouth: Bhaaaanooo! This assault on our beautiful language has been going on for jiggy at Okay.

But these Cheetos maniacs don’t limit their ambitions to Merriam-Webster. No, they just erected a 17 foot sculpture in Cheadle, Alberta.

« Cheetle’s hand statue » is a misnomer. The cheap bastards paid only three partial fingers sticking out of the scorched floor like a tripod on an unmarked grave holding a Cheeto shaped like a rhinoceros turd.

I understand this is a publicity stunt. But if the goal was to go viral when passers-by take selfies to share on social media with the required hashtags, this exposure might be too hideous to work. The great kd lang tweeted a photo over the weekend, in which she smiles in the foreground of the Cheetle hand statue.

Looks like a giant frankfurter that just landed from Mars and is about to crack his salt-and-pepper skull. If you squint, kd and the monstrous Cheeto look like they were made by mad scientists in cahoots with Crayola and Play-Doh.

There are scary statues in this world. Why is this naked man kicking a baby in Oslo? Does this Australian sheep lying on a deckchair pass a gynecological examination? What did they do to Lucille Ball? Why does she look like a demon-possessed Carl Lewis after a 100-meter sprint?

You know what else is weird? The Hand of Cheetle statue was installed in Cheadle, Alberta. – population of about three classes at my daughters’ school – simply because sounds similar. Why not haul the unsightly sculpture into Don Cheadle’s backyard and give him a lifetime supply of Cheetos Popcorn?

It’s like Froot Loops ordering a grain tunnel in Kamloops or Red Bull installing skyscraper-sized cans in Red Deer. I wouldn’t be surprised if Tim Hortons is in talks with artist Andrew Dutkewych to chisel and shape rocks into donut holes for a new public display: Timbits in Timmins!

I feel sorry for the people of Cheadle. These compatriots living in a quiet hamlet woke up this month to find three disembodied silver alien fingers smeared in orange holding a phallic Cheeto bumping their sky.

Would you like to leave your house and see a 10 story Twinkie?

I read the press release, eager to see if any Alberta politicians would be quoted. Surely, Danielle Smith has some thoughts on Cheetos Crunchy Flamin’ Hot Cheese. But no. The local comment fell on a certain James Gosteli, president of the Cheadle Community Club.

« Cheadle is proud to be home to the cheetah Hand statue,” he said, even in print looking like an ISIS hostage. “Where else could the Cheetos brand honor the iconic cheetahif not here.

Well, they could have gone to Seattle. It looks a bit like Cheetle.

And how can a new word be iconic?

If you’re planning a pilgrimage to see the Hand of Cheetle statue in its nightmarish, stomach-churning glory, you have until November 4. After that, who knows, maybe Cheadle will get a Titanium Pringles Dome.

Lisa Allie, Senior Director of Marketing at PepsiCo Foods Canada, summed it up as follows: « Cheetos fans have always known that the delicious cheese dust on their fingertips is an undeniably delicious part of the Cheetos experience, but now it officially has a name: cheetah.”

Why everything in life is now classified as an « experience » is another mystery. When I make a tuna sandwich in a zombie stun because I’m still reeling from that Jays meltdown, I’m not having a Jacques Cousteau experience. If you fall off a cliff, it’s not an experiment with gravity.

As for « Cheetle », only one word comes to mind: Bhaaaanooo!


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