We hope an asteroid will wipe us all out and save us from Trump and Orbán – POLITICO
Welcome to Declassified, a weekly comedy column.
Terrible news from deep space, where NASA fired a small craft into the path of an asteroid, thereby knocking it off course and showing that in the future, humanity could be saved from the annihilation if another massive space rock points this way.
At this point, the planet being destroyed by a the asteroid seems like one of the best options, the situation is so dire.
Also, the spacecraft used by NASA was the size of a vending machine, so why not use a real vending machine and that way, if aliens found it, they would have at least some chips (or chips, if you want) to snack on.
Back on an Earth that is not yet in pieces, Viktor Orbán embarrassed himself by making sweet eyes at Donald Trump. First, the Hungarian Prime Minister took to Twitter (using only his fourth post since joining social media hell) to ask « Where’s my good friend Donald Trump? » The answer is that he is banned from the site « due to risk of incitement to violence » following the US Capitol riot. That’s until Elon Musk takes over Twitter and lets Trump back in, at which point the world probably ends.
Scrolling through the list of people Orbán follows on Twitter is like looking in Satan’s address book: Tucker Carlson, Jordan Peterson, Matteo Salvini, Marine Le Pen, Boris Johnson. There’s also Silvio Berlusconi, who also recently joined a new social media platform, signing up for TikTok last month in a bid to reach out to – call the police! – young people.
In his first TikTok video, the former Italian Prime Minister explained that « on this platform you are more than 5 million and 60% of you are under 30 years old ». shudder.
It’s clear that older European leaders are deciding to embrace this new social media gimmick that young people have now. Rumors that Charles Michel was strongly considering signing up for MySpace were unfortunately unconfirmed at press time.
Return to Orbán, who was not done being a Trump fanboy, told an event in Berlin that current US President Joe Biden should not lead any US-Russian peace negotiations and that only Trump could possibly put end to the war in Ukraine. In a sentence that literally no one saw coming, the Hungarian leader said: « Hope for peace is named after Donald Trump. »
Excuse me, what time did this asteroid hit the planet?
LEGENDS CONTEST
“Now where is the center? »
Can you do better? E-mail [email protected] or on Twitter @pdallisonesque
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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best of our mailbag – there’s no price other than the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than money or booze.
« Is it still the funeral? » by Peter Panteli.
Paul Dalison is POLITICS‘s publisher of slot machine news.
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