A woman with whom I have been friendly for 20 years lives with her husband to a mile of me. Her husband uses a house in my neighborhood which he inherited from his grandparents as a home office. For two years, this woman deplored me the demanding program of her husband’s work trips. He is at home only on weekends. The problem: I see his distinctive sports car parked in a side street near my home and clear signs of life with his grandparents at any time while he claims to travel for work. I know he is not outside the city, and I am sad that he puts to my friend where he is. Should I tell him what he is doing?
Truthful
I would invite you to reconsider this story. It seems unlikely to me that this woman needs you to tell her that her husband, who claimed to be a week -long business trips for years, actually stays in her home office a few kilometers away and picking up her distinctive car on the street. It is more plausible to me that she already knows these facts easily discovered and simply chooses not to discuss her marital arrangements with you. Or maybe she is not yet ready to face the problem itself.
I don’t think you would make her favors by sharing your observations with her. According to my experience, it is not necessary – and, in fact, is often reckless – to tell people everything we know simply because we know it. Friendship requires greater discernment than that.
Now, if I am wrong, and you are closer to this woman than your letter suggests it – “A woman with whom I have been friendly” does not shout me the BFF – or if you continue to believe that the woman is tied up by her husband’s week remains in sight, then follow your conscience and tell him. But personally, I would stay outside the nuts and bolts from her marriage until she requests your contribution.
A loving miscarriage, but always a misstep
At a wedding recently, I told my 16 -year -old granddaughter that her 35 -year -old cousin had been adopted – like her. My granddaughter ran to her cousin and started a conversation. I couldn’t hear what they said, but there were laughter and smiling. The next day, my daughter-in-law told me that the cousin wondered how I knew she was adopted and why I said to my granddaughter. I didn’t know it was confidential! I apologized to my daughter-in-law. Do I also have to apologize to his cousin?
Grandmother
I would like. Adoption can be a sensitive subject – whether it is a person of 16, 35 or 80. And you certainly do not need to say explicitly that personal questions are “confidential” to use the discretion to repeat them to others. You spoke out of tower and you should apologize to the person you have accidentally offended.
Now I also understand why you said to your granddaughter: you were trying to make a girl you love feels more comfortable with her own adoption. It seems to me a pretty good reason! You could mention it at the cousin – not as an excuse, but as the context of your declaration.
No respite from a neighbor’s racket
I was happy in my apartment until a month ago, when a new neighbor moved. He plays music and television through an amplified audio system that I clearly hear in my apartment at all hours – even at 4 am, I complained to the management company of the building several times, and they asked him to stop. But he doesn’t! This affects my sleep and makes me feel in advance in my house. I am a living woman alone and I do not feel comfortable to go talk to my neighbor myself. Advice?
NEIGHBOR
Showing your new neighbor for himself how disruptive sound system is the simplest solution here – assuming that he is a reasonable person. Could a friend or a building employee accompany you in his apartment to ask him to listen to the noise he submits to you?
Otherwise, talk to the director of the building in person. Ask for them or it creates an action plan for your noise complaints, including the fines or the possible expulsion of your neighbor. If the director does not want to create consequences for your neighbor, ask to be moved to the building or plan to move. Without the cooperation of others, there can be no lasting solution here.
Thank you gifts can be a handbag. Or a bag of tiles.
I started playing Mahjong with a new person in town. I included it in the games (and I recommended a local surgeon). To thank me, she gave me a new bag for my Mahjong tiles. The problem: I don’t like it. But if I don’t use it, she will notice it. How should I manage this?
PLAYER
I would stop worrying, if you can. You made some beautiful laps for your new friend, and she thanked you with a sign of appreciation. Now it would be great if you liked the Mahjong bag, but not all gifts will be a winner. However, your friend has achieved her goal: to thank you. So keep using the bag you like and continue to include your friend in the games, and I predict that everything will be fine.
To get help with your delicate situation, send a question to socialq@nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Facebook or @Socialqphilip on X.
