My brother was dishonorably discharged. Why is his military portrait up?

My brother was briefly a sailor. After years of drug and alcohol abuse that began in his teens, he impulsively enlisted in his late 20s. But after graduating from training, he relapsed on leave, deserted his post and was dishonorably discharged. So, he never served in the military. Yet his boot camp graduation portrait remains the central display above my parents’ mantle. I wonder about its relevance. My brother has other accomplishments worthy of celebration — earning his high school equivalency diploma and sobriety stretches, for example — but my parents don’t seem interested in those. Should I discuss this photo of what appears to be a low point in his life with my parents? My brother’s position is that if our parents love him, who cares?

GIRL

I drop your push to remove your brother’s portrait. Your parents must love it to give it pride of place above the mantle, and it’s their home, after all. Your brother seems unfazed by this. So you are the only person keeping this issue alive: not the owner, and not the subject of the photograph. This seems striking to me.

To begin with, I disagree with your characterization of the portrait. Whether your brother enlisted in the Marines impulsively or after much deliberation, he did something relatively few of us do: he volunteered to serve his country. And regardless of his subsequent service, I struggle to see how his completion of Boot Camp — a famously rigorous program — could be characterized as a “low moment” in any life.

Now I also have a brother who – for a period, anyway – took all the oxygen from our family with his difficult behavior. It was maddening and exhausting, and if your experience was like mine, I sympathize with you. But removing your brother’s portrait as the “center display” above the mantle will not correct the imbalance of your family’s attentions during your brother’s troubled years. You’ll need to work on this yourself – perhaps with a therapist. And if I’m wrong, and that’s pretty much the picture, let it go.

Generosity that doesn’t end when unboxing

My girlfriend and I love to splurge on gifts for each other – buying things we would never buy for ourselves. For her birthday, I gave her a luxury handbag. And with my encouragement, she exchanges it for a larger, more expensive model. I would like to pay the difference. (The larger bag is still within the price range of our previous gifts.) But I would hate my offer for making him hesitant to talk about the gift exchange in the future – lest I want to pay the difference. How should I handle this?

BOYFRIEND

What a beautiful tradition! Many people struggle with self-treatment, but you and your girlfriend have addressed this issue. Yet in my experience, gift givers and receivers prefer not to talk about the actual cost of gifts.

If you want to keep this gift exchange working, I believe you should ask your girlfriend the question you implicitly asked: Will she feel comfortable exchanging gifts in the future if you cover the price difference between the bags now – or will that make her feel seized? I think it’s a question worth asking, and I hope she feels comfortable answering honestly.

No dessert, but accommodation is itself a treat

My mother-in-law is always on a diet. Her home is also where the family gathers monthly for meals. Lately, she’s been serving lighter meals and no dessert so she can eat healthier. We’re okay with lighter meals, but when we pushed back dessert she got upset and said we weren’t supporting each other. These meals are a tiny fraction of what she eats in a year, and I’m frustrated at compromising on dessert. (It doesn’t help that his diets are usually fads and not based on science.) Any advice?

Daughter-in-law

Let’s be more direct about what your mother-in-law’s regular house pick-up really means: She shops, prepares, cooks, and cleans for you. (These meals don’t appear by magic, after all.) And now you have menu requests too? No! The host creates the menu. And your annual percentage of food intake and your mother-in-law’s diet assessment are irrelevant.

Knowing her feelings about dessert, you can offer to bring healthy, low-calorie treats: yogurt-and-berle cartons, for example. But take no for an answer, if that’s what you get. You can always host an after-party dessert at your home – where you call the shots.

Saint? Who knows. Beloved? Certainly.

My godfather gave me a beautiful pendant. It represents a religious symbol. (No, not a cross!) I totally love the pendant, but I’m not religious. Would it be disrespectful or weird for me to wear it?

GODDAUGHTER

No way! Aside from what religious symbol this pendant represents, it is also a material object that was given to you by a loved one and, better yet, is aesthetically pleasing to you. I don’t think it’s disrespectful or weird to prioritize these qualities over one’s religious symbolism. Wear it healthy!

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