In the past, Kelly Shara, 31, often found herself to make fertility mathematics when she was at an appointment.
“Okay, if we go out for a year, then I will be this age when we get married,” said Shara, who lives in Austin and works in sales of technologies. “Then we have a year, then we could start having children. And then it means that I will be this age when I become mom. ”
She absorbed the message for years – “Roma Roma and so much societal pressure” – that she should be married and have babies at 30, she said.
For the most part, Ms. Shara now finds this silly wait. She has great friends and a fulfilling career and does not want to be satisfied with a partner who is not a real teammate.
If it was not for its annoying biological clock.
“I would do it again love Having children on the side soon, “said Shara.” But there is an opportunity cost to rush meetings and marriage and the nuptial parade and try to find the right person. “”
The stubborn notion that fertility of women falls from a cliff at 35 has slowly changed in recent years, thanks to the evolution of cultural standards and jumps in assisted reproductive technology. Despite an increasing alarm among the conservatives on the historically low birth rate in the United States, women over 35 years old are in fact giving birth in relatively high numbers. The birth rate among women aged 40 to 44 has even increased over the past four decades.
“With many celebrities becoming new parents later in life, this often gives the public the perception that fertility is something that you can delay,” said Dr. Natalie Crawford, a fertility doctor in Austin and the author of “the fertility formula”.
However, the fact remains: the fertility of women tends to cultivate in their twenties and decreases over time. Men also experience fertility reductions linked to age but continue to sperm throughout their lives; The fertility of women eventually ends. This can shape their approach to meetings.
The feeling that women are confronted with a biological crisis can create huge anxiety, said Beth Gulotta, psychotherapist in New York and host of the Podcast “Quiet the Clock”, which focuses on fertility and meetings.
“What I see happens is that the pressure in a way in a way the judgment of who people come out, so there is a lot of flexibility and the desire to neglect the red flags,” she said. “There is this emergency.”
When the emergency leads to bad decision -making
Lydia Desnoyers, 41, said that she had sometimes had trouble silencing the little voice in her whispering mind that every man she came out could be the father of her future child – even if there was no real chemistry.
“My ovaries were a third wheel on each date,” said Ms. Desnoyers, certified accounting of Miami. “Like:” We don’t waste time! ” It must be your husband. It will be the father of your children. »»
But this state of mind led him to stay in touch with bad people.
“I neglected the red flags,” she said, as partners who drank too much or who lacked ambition. “My brain said:” Leave this relationship “. But my ovaries were like: “No girl.
Lori her husband, a private psychologist in Nashville, runs a digital class for women in the thirties and the forties that come out together when confronted with a fertility deadline. She said that she had often seen women find herself in a sort of “panic partnership”. (It happened to her too: at the start of her forties, she married, and her husband tried the fertilization in vitro, which did not work. In a year, they divorced. Now, she was fortunately remarried and a mother-in-law.)
“I see two ends of the spectrum,” said Dr. Mari. “I see people panicking or having almost as a state of mind of fairytale, as, if it is supposed to be, I will find my person.”
Kelsey Wonderlin, therapist and dating coach also approved in Nashville, said that she had spent a lot of time speaking with her clients of the dating of a place of emergency. First, it aims to reassure them that “there are really tons of incredible and emotionally available men who want to build a life with someone and have children”.
Ms. Wonderlin and Dr. Mari tell their customers about the importance of going out strategically, a large part of which is to become clear about what they can (and cannot) be satisfied with a potential partner and a co-parent. Dr. Mari, for example, worked with customers who have realized that they do not care if their dates earn less money than them. But she encourages them to be careful to compromise things as incompatible values. “Folle physical chemistry” is not essential, says Ms. Wonderlin, but the attraction is non -negotiable.
Wonderlin said that she had spent a lot of time helping her customers strengthen part of the confidence they lost after spending a decade or more on dating applications, so that they “do not collapse the second where he takes more sms, or you do not become this anxious version of yourself the second where you find feelings”.
And she reassures them about the importance of being in advance on their priorities with regard to parenting.
“You will always have guys who are like:” Whoa. So intense! “” She said. “And it’s not your people.”
Hit a break, even when he feels counter-intuitive
At a time when politicians try to persuade families to have more children, some women still have trouble finding a partner interested in having children. And the perspective can be exhausting.
Ms. Gulotta, New York psychotherapist, said that she had often seen women in her practice who “came out of a place of professional exhaustion” – slide well in a compulsive way, while feeling a feeling of despair about their prospects – because they want to become mothers so much.
Her advice may seem counterprint: “The best use of your time is really to step back and regroup,” she said. “Take a break. And then come back to go out with more clarity, more energy and more positivity. ”
Ms. Gulotta, who freely shares her own experiences with the pressure of fertility, urges her customers and podcast listeners not to become so hyper-fixed on what they do not have that they do not recognize what they have now. This could mean something as simple as starting a gratitude practice, she said, or limit time on social networks to avoid being caught up in other people.
The preservation of fertility can relieve part of the pressure that women feel to find a partner of a certain point, although the egg frost can cost thousands of dollars per cycle (the more annual storage costs) and does not offer any guarantee.
At the beginning of the thirties, Ms. Desnoyers had a relationship with a man who regularly stunned him in favor of his friends-such a bad relationship, she said, she just removed it. She suddenly saw clearly that she would be satisfied with dates and mediocre relations because she wanted to become a mother so much.
So, at 35, she froze her eggs. And at 39, she had her daughter. She is delighted to be a single mother by choice, she said, and has “no desire” to date.
Last year, Ms. Shara frozen her eggs, which she now discusses with her dates from the start. For the most part, these conversations went well.
On occasion, she had to explain the mechanics of the freezing of eggs on somewhat confused dates. But her deductible also aroused frank discussions on Si and when they want to have children, information that she would prefer to have in advance, she said, rather than “playing the cool girl for six or nine months, then drop the bomb”.
For the moment, at least, this has discouraged part of the pressure, added Ms. Shara, who no longer makes fertility equations in her head.
“I’m really proud of the fact that I did this,” she said. “But the difficult part is that there is no guarantee.”
