GREG GUTFELD: Children in New York are in therapy due to a constant state of panic about seeing ‘real horrors’

Happy Thursday everyone. You know, when I was a kid, we were afraid of certain things, the British army, tuberculosis, I was a kid, I’m not that old. But we all had the same fears.

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There was the boogeyman hiding in your closet, under your bed, you never really knew what he looked like, but you imagined it was. I had a very large closet. There was the threat of nuclear war, kidnappers guarding the backs of milk cartons full of interesting breakfast reading material, great white sharks, quicksand. Do you remember quicksand? Yeah, we’d be busy looking for quicksand and then we’d get run over by a drunk driver.

Also, there were cults, you know, like the Manson family, and they weren’t really a family. I’m glad I got out of it earlier. So here are eight fears, some not real, others mostly exaggerated. So I envy today’s kids, not just because they’re older. They just have a lot more to worry about. There’s this, and this, and this, and that, but worse, the streets are filled with nightmarish characters that would make Freddy Krueger call an Uber instead of walking the four blocks.

There are mentally ill people and deranged criminals roaming the streets, and thank God otherwise we wouldn’t have live viewers tonight. Yeah, that’s a knock on you guys. There are also junkies and drunks on your way. It’s so awkward when they ask for autographs. Especially when I went out with them once. You have homeless people using your front porch as a bathroom and they never, ever clean. Plus they give lousy directions. Seriously, never ask, I did this once and Chris Wallace threw up on me. Yeah, while Hollywood cooks up unnecessary dystopian mulch like Handmaid’s Tale, we’re living the real thing. Hell, save some money and cancel Netflix to just go for a walk after dark. You will become the main character in a part of a murder mystery at 11 p.m.

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According to the New York Post, the newspaper owned by our parent company, Mike and Carol Brady, children in New York are now in therapy due to a constant state of panic. Yeah, just what NYC needs a whole generation of Woody Allen. But their fear is rational, think about it, homelessness, crime, drugs, Anthony Wiener still there, and it’s just inside the sandbox, pre-K. In NYC, children are traumatized by real horrors that leave permanent scars.

According to the Post, after funneling thousands of homeless people to hotels across the city and not just Motel 6, unprovoked crime skyrocketed. Not to mention room service is now impossible to get in under 2 hours trying to order that meth, oh man. On top of that add state bail reform which freed tons of dastardly thugs COVID freed even more the only people left in US jails are those who stole office supplies January 6th. We decriminalize sidewalks, camping, begging and public shootings.

The result of a liberal dream come true, we are all equal in abject misery. Major crime is up everywhere, downtown it’s up 60%, thefts up 57%, there have been ten murders so far in just three precincts this year, double the number during this same time last year, and they happened when Kat was out of town, so we can’t blame her. According to Human Resources, you can’t blame him, even though one of the bodies was covered in a bunch of hair extensions.

And it used to be that if you wanted to see The Full Monty show, you bought Broadway tickets, now you get The Full Monty from the three homeless people in front of our building. So now parents across town are sending their kids to therapists because it takes a professional to say, what’s it like seeing a naked man pooping harassing you for money? But good for the parents, at least they’re doing something, but really, they should be doing more. Why don’t you go? Isn’t that the right thing to do? Now I understand. We love our kids, but not if it means giving up our Metropolitan Opera subscriptions or missing the Gay Pride Parade every year. Good God, what kind of rubies do you take us for?

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Well, I would doubt their judgment, but they already vote Democrat. I know, I know, it’s easy for me to say I don’t have kids, but you can’t relax anymore thinking it’s just a thug-on-thug crime. It’s Russian roulette for all of us, we’re all in the barrel. Kids can now see the boogeyman every day, on the way to class, on the subway. I understand soldiers returning from war suffering from PTSD from what they saw, but fourth and fifth graders returning from school. Thus, some families leave intelligently. According to a recent tally, we’ve seen a 10% drop in the number of children under five since 2019. And all of that can’t be attributed to erectile dysfunction caused by Lizzo. Someone has to report it.

Total public school enrollment has fallen by 73,000 since the pandemic. But who knows, maybe they’ll finally learn something. Meanwhile, increasingly, it is women who are becoming the victims. A recent one was a young mother of five who was brutally beaten by a transient monster. You know, talking about a change in society was primarily about women and children when it came to avoiding suffering.

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Now we have to bring them to the front line. I guess you could say that’s the only fairness the Democrats have actually delivered.