Welcome to Declassified, a weekly comedy column.
What if, and it may be hard to fathom, Elon Musk isn’t just a very wealthy man who acts like a 12-year-old after too much bubbly pop — or, like a social media user Put it, a “Wish.com Bruce Wayne” – and is actually here to save us all?
Ever since Musk (who, let’s not forget, called his child X Æ A-XII – X and once live-tweeted himself shitting) bought Twitter, there’s been an endless stream of big securities.
Almost all senior staff were fired, then some of them were invited back; Musk wrote “I recommend voting for a Republican Congress”; he banned many parody accounts despite being a parody of himself; and he said you could get a valuable blue tick for paying one rather than being awesome (and yes, I got a blue tick, for my Pulitzer Prize-worthy work coming up with nicknames for Donald Trump).
Some people are so worried about Musk’s impact on Twitter that they’re deactivating their accounts and heading elsewhere, including Mastodon (which probably surprised heavy metal band Mastodon, whose second album – “Leviathan” – is a concept album based on the novel “Moby-Dick” by Herman Melville).
But maybe Musk is smarter than that and really playing the long game. We all know social media is awful, a colossal waste of time that keeps you from doing practical things like spending time with your kids, learning to play the flute, or doing competitive ironing.
So is Musk deliberately pushing people away from Twitter and into the welcoming arms of real life by pretending to be a moron with horrible opinions? Maybe he’s burning his own property on purpose to claim the insurance? Or maybe he’s just so rich that none of it really matters?
And if social media – or indeed anything else – becomes too much, just follow the advice of the New York Times, which gave readers advice on how to avoid election stress around the midterms. Tip #2 is the best: “Submerge your face in a bowl of ice water for 15-30 seconds.” Or in a wall, whichever is easier.
And tip #4 is also good: “Breathe like a baby. To achieve this, “focus on expanding your belly as you breathe, which can send more oxygen to the brain.” This is good advice because, as any parent will tell you, babies are notorious for focusing on tasks.
“The UN conference’s annual ‘Take a selfie with an idiot to raise awareness about climate change’ has proven particularly popular this year.”
Can you do better? E-mail [email protected] or on Twitter @pdallisonesque
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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best of our mailbag – there’s no price other than the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than money or booze.
“Church versus State? It’s a tie!” by Ben Boffey.
Paul Dalison is POLITICS‘s publisher of slot machine news.