Could Virgil write a good college essay?

The high schoolers furiously add the final flourishes to their college application essays. Did the previous sentence contain a little alliteration? Yes, it was, but it was easy to spot. As surely as night follows day, truly great academic essays will draw deeper from the well of literary artifice.

« Thank you, professor, » said the stressed college candidate. “Alliteration, simile and metaphor; tell me something I don’t already know. I’m happy with it, even if I can do without (litotes) sarcasm. You’ll appreciate a quick refresher on those arcane techniques you learned in ninth-grade English as the ticking of the application deadline onomatopoetically approaches.