ASK AMY: Fertile boyfriend tries to escape DNA

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Dear Amy: I’ve been with my boyfriend, « Gene », for over three years.

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He has two children and I have three.

The issue I struggle with is that he recently found out he has a 5 year old.

When we met, he told me that he had already established that the child was not his, via his mother doing a DNA test, which showed that this baby had no DNA connection with his family.

Well, surprise… the child IS his.

Now I feel betrayed and cheated.

I wouldn’t have been with him if I had known about this third child (by three different women).

I’m in love with him, and the best way to describe that emotion is to say that to me, it’s the equivalent of being cheated on.

He doesn’t understand why I have such strong feelings about this situation.

He said I’m supposed to support him.

I don’t know how I can do that when I feel second-rate to three women who have his kids, and yet I don’t have a kid with him. He told me he had no desire for marriage.

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So I’m supposed to be his girlfriend for the rest of my life, when these women have a solid place in his life and a bigger connection to him than me?

I don’t want to end him, but how can I help these feelings that I have and find a way to accept this and move on?

– So many feelings

Dear so many feelings: I urge you to re-examine your choices – and for now only do so from the perspective of what would benefit you and your children.

In the short term, your reaction to this situation is to want what these other women have: a baby with the “gene”.

From my point of view, if you had a baby with him, you would join a pretty crowded club of diverse women who give birth to Gene’s babies.

I hope you double birth control because this man is extremely fertile and also someone who needs to be trained in fatherhood.

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Either he outright lied to you when you first met, or he’s too weak to understand that DNA doesn’t lie.

Moreover, he responds to your shock about this third child by insisting that your role is to support him.

Well, her role is to support you too (and, by the way, all her children).

People are a little predictable. Gene set a pattern of general selfishness.

Well-matched partners hold hands and ride the roller coaster of life together. If you don’t think you can do it, then you should carefully reconsider staying with him for the long term.

You say you want to stay with him. If you stay, you must accept that you can ride this roller coaster alone.

Dear Amy: I am a 64 year old male who is starting to date again.

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I’m very affectionate, but I don’t want to scare the right person.

I could take a date’s hand walking down the street, is that okay?

I read an article on « love bombing » in your column.

So how can I be loving myself and not be « accused » of « love-bombing »?

I would NOT be frightened by someone (like me) who was overly affectionate. That would be pleasantly welcomed!

Can I tell them something specific?

How can I share myself?


Dear KK: « Love bombing » describes a specific set of behaviors: showering a person with attention, gifts, and romantic gestures. People who do this often amaze and delight a potential mate at first – until it becomes an overwhelming attempt at control.

Being affectionate yourself is a good thing, but in general, you should follow the cues of your date. A woman who wants to hold hands will lean towards you and touch you. Maybe don’t “take” her hand, but let her offer it.

And yes – of course, you can ask, “Can I hold your hand?

Dear Amy: I have to admit that I read your response to « Devastated Grandma » with tears in my eyes.

This grandparent showed intolerance and cruelty towards his grandson, who chose to wear a dress to his ball.

First you took this grandmother to task, and then you really slowed down the boom by teaching her to be compassionate towards this young person.


– Big fan

Dear fan: Many readers have contacted me with support for my answer.

Most importantly, they expressed their love and support for this grandson.

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