ASK AMY: Couple reflect on reconnection craze

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Dear Amy: I have a « second time » request.

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In our late teens, about 45 years ago, « Bret » and I shared a pretty big infatuation. But it died down when different college choices put 1,500 miles between us.

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We lost contact (no texting or Facebook at the time).

We each got married but are single again, due to my divorce 15 years ago and Bret lost his wife to COVID in 2020.

None of us had children.

Now we are both 63 and recently hooked up online. We feel a little rekindled spark of our long-ago romance. Bret thinks we can get back what we once had.

I’m not so sure about that, more just intrigued by the possibility. I think in many ways we are very different people today. We are still 900 miles apart but talking about doing tours.

If we were to explore a reunion, how do we prevent an affectionate nostalgia of yesteryear from obscuring or competing with our vision of today?

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Also, do you think Bret’s biggest eagerness might be a rebound after losing his wife fairly recently?

He said he was very close to her, that they had been married for 34 years and that her death had hit him hard.

It seems that this too could affect our lucidity (or at least him). I’ve never dealt with anything like this, myself, so I’ll let you speak.

– Plot

Dear Intrigued: You present rational and thoughtful problems. Any (or all) of these could derail a relationship between the two of you.

Men who find themselves single later in life tend to associate quickly. People who have been in long and happy marriages naturally want to replicate the experience (and might know how to).

Long-lost meetings don’t need to be « clear ». Affectionate nostalgia for yesteryear is as good a fantasy as any.

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The way to deal with this is to… deal with it. Whether you take a wild leap or choose to tiptoe, you both need to get to know each other as seasoned adults with a lifetime of experiences behind you. You should always trust your own instincts. Your instincts are the best tool you have to determine if a relationship is right for you.

Dear Amy: I hope you can give me some insight into compassion.

My mother’s name is an odd spelling of an otherwise traditional name.

For example, let’s say her name is « Lucy » (it’s not), but spell « Lucee ».

She gets very upset when people don’t understand the spelling (which is often the case, as I’ve never seen a similar spelling of this very common name).

I understand her attitude about it because it’s her middle name and she certainly has the right to expect people to do it right.

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Here’s the catch though – she recently became a grandmother and declared a very odd spelling of the grandmother nickname she chose.

She chose to be called « Nana ». She decided it should be spelled « Nan’nah ».

And she insists on the spelling she created. Why do that, especially after a lifetime of lamenting the misspelling of his name?

I never cared much about what people called me, let alone how they spelled it. I feel like it’s an attention grab on his part – forcing us parents to remember to include apostrophes and odd letters whenever we text or write on behalf of our children.

I understand that’s not a huge request, but I just have a hard time taking it as seriously as she does. Your thoughts?

– Spell it

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Dear spell it: Your mother doubles the bet! Sigh.

I agree with you that it looks attention grabbing, but on some level you have to admire his spunk. (This is your incitement to compassion.)

Grandparent nicknames aren’t used much « in the wild, » which means that special spelling and errant apostrophe will be confined to your family.

The good news is that once the grandkids are old enough to write their own texts and notes, it will become their problem, as well as their autocorrect challenge.

Remember – YOU can still call her « Mom ». (Or is it Maw’m?)

Dear Amy: I must insist that you withdraw your advice from « Older Woman », the woman you chose to give a pep talk to, when you advised her to have « hot sex ».

I was alarmed and disgusted by your advice.

– Disgusted

Dear disgusted: I refuse to take back my positive sex advice.

Apparently « hot sex » is the hill I’m willing to die on. (Mom would be so proud.)