One of my oldest friends behaves in a very hurtful way towards my wife. The hardest part is that it always happens when I’m not around, so I don’t see it first hand, but I see how shaken and upset my wife is afterwards.
His own wife noticed it too: she once apologized after he made a remark in front of her, although she admitted there was little she could do.
This situation arises most often when he and his wife visit us in our country house. My wife worked extremely hard to make this place beautiful and welcoming: preparing meals, arranging the rooms, creating a warm atmosphere.
Not only does he make nasty comments, but he also never offers to help, even when other guests do. On one occasion, when others gently encouraged him to contribute, he “joked” about teaching my wife a lesson, since she “usually has a maid to clean up after her.” My wife found this remark humiliating, as did two friends who witnessed it.
There have also been comments about our children, implying that because we are well off, they will become spoiled or lazy.
We are all in our fifties. My wife and I have both had rewarding careers. He hasn’t had the same experience and I sense some of his behavior comes from resentment or jealousy. He never crossed such a boundary directly with me, but with my wife it became a habit.
I feel stuck. On the one hand, he’s been a good friend for many years and I don’t want to cut him out of my life. On the other hand, I can no longer allow my wife to be treated this way. What can I do?
From the therapist: How difficult it is to find yourself in a situation where protecting someone you love means potentially losing someone you’ve cared about for decades. But instead of viewing this situation as a struggle between your wife and your friendship, you might view it as a struggle between two different types of loyalties. There is loyalty to the past and loyalty to your values.
Simply put, the choice you face is between enabling cruelty or stopping it. This isn’t disloyalty to your friendship – it’s the most loyal thing you can do. It’s giving your friend the chance to be better before you lose something irreplaceable: your respect and, ultimately, your close relationship.
It’s important to notice the dynamics here. Directing cutting remarks at your wife but not at you suggests not only insensitivity but also calculation. Your friend chooses the potentially safest person – someone who is less likely to confront them directly. Meanwhile, by remaining silent, you inadvertently become complicit in the way he treats her.
Your theory may well be true – perhaps your friend feels diminished by the difference between your careers, homes and family lives. Midlife disappointments can become destructive when left unchecked, especially for men who measure themselves against the accomplishments of their peers. But the existence of his desire does not allow him to unload it on your wife. People are jealous all the time. Most find ways to metabolize it without humiliating others. Although empathy for his disappointments can help you understand the root of his behavior, it should not excuse the harm he causes.
If you find his treatment of your wife unacceptable (and it seems like you do), then it’s time to talk to your friend directly about his behavior, without putting your wife in the middle. The conversation should be calm, private and non-negotiable. You could say something like:
Our long friendship means a lot to me and there is something important I need to tell you about. You made comments to my wife that I find insulting and inappropriate. If these comments come from a problem in our friendship or something in your life that I’m not aware of, I would really like to talk about it and find out what’s going on. I want to be there for you and listen if something is bothering you. This simply cannot be expressed through these injections. If we want to maintain our friendship – and that’s what I really want, which is why I’m talking about it – then these comments need to stop now.
The key is that you want to discuss any underlying issues in your friendship or their life, but you don’t debate the nature of the comments. It’s not “Do you mean it that way?” or “My wife doesn’t like it when…” It’s: “For MeThese comments are unacceptable. If your friend deflects, downplays, calls it a “joke,” or says your wife is too sensitive, you might be tempted to drop the matter in the moment. But remember, your goal is to set clear expectations for the future of the friendship.
This conversation could lead to a deeper friendship, where vulnerabilities are shared and direct, authentic communication becomes its hallmark. Most strong friendships can survive honest conversations about harmful behaviors. A true friend would be receptive to the idea that he is causing pain and would immediately correct the situation.
But if the friendship is eroding under the weight of her resentment, clarity is always better than the difficult limbo you find yourself in, and it’s better than leaving your wife to receive and deal with her hostility alone.
Whatever happens, it can be helpful to view this conversation as a necessary recalibration. Losing this friendship would be painful and sad, but not all friendships survive every stage of life intact. Some make do with occasional recordings. Some end quietly. Some are resurrected years later under different conditions. And some become much closer and richer after solving a problem like this.
Want to ask the therapist? If you have a question, email Askthetherapist@nytimes.com. By submitting a query, you agree to our Reader Submission Terms. This column does not replace professional medical advice.
